Funny Valentine’s Quotes for Him and Her

That special time of year when love is in the air, and so are the hilarious jokes about it.

Love is a mysterious journey, and sometimes, it’s best to navigate it with a hearty dose of humour. Whether you’re deeply in love or just deeply into laughing, these 100+ funny Valentine’s quotes are the perfect way to add a dash of humour to your day and will not only tickle your funny bone but also warm your heart. Whether you’re in a new relationship or celebrating years of togetherness, these valentine’s quotes for him and her are sure to put a smile on your face.

So, grab a box of chocolates or a valentines day cake, cosy up, and get ready to giggle your way through this funny collection of quips. From witty one-liners to clever comparisons, these quotes are Cupid’s secret weapon for spreading joy. Whether you’re looking to make your significant other chuckle or just want a good laugh yourself, these quotes are sure to do the trick!

Valentine’s Quotes for Him and Her

Spice up your Valentine’s Day with a dash of humour! These funny yet heartwarming valentine’s quotes for her and him are packed with chuckles and giggles, making it the perfect destination for anyone looking to add a playful twist to their romantic celebrations. Get ready to tickle his funny bone and show him how love and laughter go hand in hand. Perfect for a card, a note, or even a text, these valentine’s quotes for him and her are sure to make your partner’s heart flutter this Valentine’s Day.

• “I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.” – Elizabeth Evans.
• “Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got ‘FINE’ written all over you.”
• “You’re the reason I look down at my phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.”
• “I’m not great at flirting, but I’m excellent at being awkwardly fond of you.”
• “You are like my asthma; you just take my breath away.”
• “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber!”
• “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin
• “I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.” – Russell Brand.
• “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz.
• “Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” – Cathy Carlyle.
• “You’re the gin to my tonic.”
• “You’re like my favourite book – I find new things to laugh about every time I read you.”
• “You’re the ‘ctrl’ to my ‘alt’; without you, I’d definitely ‘delete’.”
• “You’re like a fine cheese; you get better with age, and you pair well with wine.”
• “You’re the GPS in the journey of my life, even though sometimes it feels like you’re taking me in circles.”
• “You must be made of copper and tellurium because you’re CuTe.”
• “I love you more than I love getting drunk. And I really, really love getting drunk.”
• “You must be a ninja because you snuck into my heart.”
• “Being with you has made me so lame I think I like it.”
• “In a sea of people, my eyes always search for you. Not just because you stand out, but because you stole my binoculars.”
• “My love for you is like a fine wine; it gets better with every passing ‘whine’.”
• “You must be the square root of -1 because you can’t be real.”
• “If we were in a garden, I’d pick you first… and then the lettuce.”
• “You’re not just my better half. You’re the best half of the best sandwich ever.”
• “You’re like a rare comet, once in a lifetime, and causing havoc in my solar system.”
• “If love was a report card, I’d give you straight A’s in chemistry.”
• “You’re like a fine espresso; you keep me awake and make my heart race.”
• “If our love story was a book, you’d be the unexpected plot twist.”
• “In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.” – Mignon McLaughlin.
• “They say love is blind, but with you, I’ve never seen more clearly.”
• “Love is being stupid together.” – Paul Valéry
• “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” -Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
• “My life’s accomplishments? Sanity, and you.” -Elizabeth Gilbert:
• “Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” – Arthur Dewar:
• “The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.” – Blaise Pascal
• “Valentine, just a few words to tell you how I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Whenever that was.” – Charles M. Schulz
• “First Valentine’s Day, 200,000 B.C.: Men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.” – Kristen Schaal
• “Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns
• “Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you’re old.” -Stephen Colbert
• “Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” – Mae West
• “When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.” – Rita Rudner
• “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him.” – Oscar Wilde
• “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” – Benjamin Franklin
• “I told my wife a man is like wine; he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.” – Rodney Dangerfield
• “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” -Jerry Seinfeld
• “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” – Tim Allen



• “It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” – Lucille Ball
• “Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.” – Lynda Barry
• “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Erma Bombeck
• “Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns
• “An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
• “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” – Albert Einstein
• “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
• “Love is just a chocolate substitute.” – Melanie Clark Pullen
• “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz
• But what people call “love” is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed.” – Rick (Rick and Morty)
• “I understood Valentine’s Day as a concept. The naked baby shoots you with an arrow, and you fall in love.” – Trevor Noah
• “The jewellery stores say, ‘Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,’ while wives tell you they love you with, ‘OK, but just because it’s Valentine’s Day.'” – George Lopez
• “All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card—American Express.” – Milton Berle
• “I never want to be away from you again, except at work, in the restroom, or when one of us is at a movie the other does not want to see.” – Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
• “Uteruses before duderuses… Ovaries before brovaries.” – Leslie Knope



• “Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.”
• “If kisses were snowflakes, I’d send you a blizzard.”
• “You’re like a dictionary – you add meaning to my life.”
• “I must be a snowflake because I’ve fallen for you.”
• “By the time you swear you’re his, shivering and sighing, and he vows his passion is infinite, undying—Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying.” – Dorothy Parker
• “A man is not where he lives, but where he loves.” – George Jean Nathan
• “Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” – Ambrose Bierce
• “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner.
• “Love is like pi: natural, irrational, and very important.”
• “Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” – Arnold H. Glasow
• “I love you with all my belly. I would say heart, but my belly is bigger.”
• “I asked my husband what he wanted for Valentine’s Day. He said, ‘Nothing would make me happier than just one day where you don’t say anything sarcastic.’ So I asked, ‘What’s the catch?'” – Rita Rudner
• “Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” – Oscar Wilde
• “As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right, or you can be happy.” – Ralphie May
• “Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”
• “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.” – Kurt Vonnegut
• “Love is like pi: natural, irrational, and very important.”
• “You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” -Hussein Nishah



• “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.” – Woody Allen
• “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.” – Henny Youngman
• “I love you with all my heart, but do you have to use my toothbrush?”
• “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman
• “If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin
• “Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” – Ambrose Bierce
• “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” – Jean Illsley Clarke
• “So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.” – King Jaffe Joffer, ‘Coming to America’
• “I am yours. No refunds.” – Anita Bath
• “I love you more than yesterday. Yesterday, you got on my nerves.”
• “Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?”
• “I love you like a fat kid loves cake… and there’s a lot of cake.”
• “Love is like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.”
• “Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.” – Helen Rowland
• “I love you, even on bad days when everyone annoys me, but you annoy me the least.”
• “Love is an ocean of emotions, entirely surrounded by expenses.”
• “Love is like Wi-Fi. It’s all around you, but you only connect to it when you need it.”
• “Valentine’s Day is the one day you can show your love with materialistic gifts, and no one will judge you… much.”
• “Love is in the air, but so is the flu. Let’s not get too carried away.”
• “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.” – Henny Youngman
• “I bought you chocolates for Valentine’s Day because I know you won’t share them with me anyway.”
• “I love you in a way that’s nauseating to others.” — Dinah Mite
• “I love you even more than I am annoyed by you. Which is a lot.” — Brighton Early
• “I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible. But I want to spend every irritating minute with you.” — Iona Mink
• “I promise to love you, respect you, support you, and above all else, make sure I’m not just yelling at you because I’m hungry.” — Gladys Canby

Wrapping Up

Valentine’s Day is not just about candlelit dinners and romantic walks; it’s also about sharing a laugh and creating happy memories. Whether you’re in a relationship or happily single, these funny and quirky valentine’s quotes for her and him remind us that love, in all its forms, often comes with a side of humour. Whether you’re looking to express your deep affection or simply want to remind your partner how much they mean to you, these valentine’s quotes for him and her capture the essence of love in the most beautiful way. So this Valentine’s Day, spread some love, share some laughs, and remember: the best relationships are the ones where you can be silly together!